a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
You Might Also Like
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.