“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
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Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
God has abandoned us.
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”