4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
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[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
that wasn’t the question
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.