Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
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I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
Another interesting #factupdates post!
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.