*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
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“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?