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[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
How it started: How it’s going:
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
no one likes gloating