I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
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A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
Chip bags should be clear, show me what you want me to pay $6 for, cowards.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
*sewing*
A thread
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness