I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
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Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
The future is now.
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
Even in my early 20’s, I was diagnosed with late stage 40’s.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.