The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
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I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
Imma just leave this here…………
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe