Legend 🤣🤣
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I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
📽️movie date🎞️
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.