Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
You Might Also Like
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
his wife is probably gonna see that
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.