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Nice try, NASA
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
S M O L
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes