You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
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Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
lumberjacks will cut a birch
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
live, laugh, laundry.
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
They grow up so quick
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.