Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
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Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
fired
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
Took my twins to the dentist so now their teeth are clean but we cannot afford further education.
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.