I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
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Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
My love language is deader than Latin
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”