[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
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The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
Found my door mat
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo