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Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
he was correct
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.