As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
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[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
🤣🤣🤣🤣
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*