I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
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Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what