Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
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all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.