Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
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I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
That was easy.
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
The French cow says MEUX…
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.