My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
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How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️