The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
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Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.