lol
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You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
i like to flex on them by shrugging
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet