him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
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[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap