Oh hi lol
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One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident