looks legit
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The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
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Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars