Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
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[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
How software testing works
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
Animal poetry
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
Where’s my employee discount too?
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
You learn something every day