Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
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Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
this is the greatest thing ever
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.