Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
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Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
Wikigenius
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
me linking you to my twitter
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked