Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
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I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
I’m sure it’s fine.
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
me after eating Cheetos