You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
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People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
Gods work.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”