Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
You Might Also Like
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.