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A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN