America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
You Might Also Like
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
Venn
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long