Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
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wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
I’m aging like a fine banana