To the max.. 😂
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20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
the dark web is just a goth google.
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
Who called it baking and not making love
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.