I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
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Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.