Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
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Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit