5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
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I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.