I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
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CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.