In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
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I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.