Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
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Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
New favorite tiktok
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
Social distancing in Australia:
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
If you drink five of those 5 Hour Energy drinks in one day you unlock the secret 25th hour and you also die
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.