Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
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I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.