If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
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“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
…..pretty much.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re