It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
You Might Also Like
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
She was rare, like a goth jogging
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
they finally got him. they got macavity
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it