My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
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If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR