Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
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Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
This was a bad idea all around
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked