I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
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Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
Morning.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift