Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
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my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]